Measure of a Life Oversubscribed: No Makeup, No TV and Gym-less-ness

For weeks, no months, I have needed new makeup. My concealer ran out two weeks ago. The four-colored blush  has dwindled to two colors and hints of a third in the last month. And my beloved MAC Studio Fix was so near-empty that I had to lay down the powder brush and pull out the kind-of-gross spongy pad included in the compact to apply what little was left. Don't even get me started on the mascara.


I just hadn't had time to go replenish. I know, I know, you're thinking, "You have to make time for yourself, what's 15 or 20 minutes replacing makeup going to cost you in a day?" Especially since there is a Sephora across the street from my office... and I had $115 in gift cards from Christmas. But until the prospect of showing up at work both without concealer and without powder... or blush... felt more unpleasant than taking that 20 minutes of spare time to go buy the damn makeup, I just didn't.

Makeup isn't the only thing I seem to have lost time for in the last year or so--and especially in the last six months. I haven't been to the gym or out for a run since... gulp... August. And trust me, it shows in the six extra pounds I've been carrying on my 5'2" frame. That could also  go a long way to explaining why I haven't shopped for clothes in about eight months (sigh... outlet shopping was a favorite escape). I haven't watched any of my favorite shows since the fall of 2010--although, to be honest, I kind of lost interest in must-see-TV when 24 was canceled. An actually, I don't even know if any of my favorite shows are still on (House? Private Practice?).

It's more complicated than just not making time for myself or my needs.

In the 16 months, I've worried, job-hunted, left a job, worried some more, collected unemployment, written a book, found a job, worried sick about schools for my kids, house-hunted, moved, found another new job, waited weeks and weeks for mortgage approvals, worried, bought a house, worried yet again, transitioned two kids and a husband and a dog into life in the suburbs, became alarmed at math, worked my butt off to do well in the new job, make sure the family was settled in, manage the new juggle of commuter trains schedules, daycare hours, fewer home-cooked meals, a new babysitter, bigger bills, property taxes, worrrrrrrrrry, what seems like a zillion half days and days off from school out here in the burbs, caught ConEd-aphobia, and  started a fight for transparency and better math in my new school district, worried, got angry (more than once), refocused, and kept fighting.... all the while trying to be a good mom, good boss, good employee, good spouse, good family accountant and budget-maven, good train-catcher, and good person.

And did I mention I am a bit of a perfectionist, have a low tolerance for mediocrity and that it is my nature--I have tried and failed to control it--to be relentless?

All of this is time-consuming. even for someone who has practically perfected efficiency (at least at the office). And tiring. To do all of this, work a 9-hour day, be a good mom and squeeze in time to fight for what I believe in during the day or at night or on the train ride (those three things, not in that order, being top priority), television began to seem trivial and an utter time-waster. The gym? Well, I mean, I've only gained the six pounds....
The makeup was the last can't ignore holdout of my oversubscribed life.  As each item dwindled to nearly-nothing, I said to myself (out loud.. sorry if I scared any of my fellow train riders), "Seriously, this CANNOT  go on like this!"  On Monday, I crossed the street (I actually left the building for lunch!), stepped into the magical world of makeup.

My life might be oversubscribed, I might worry too much and I am sure I have too little patience. I might get tired -- of the fighting for stuff I believe in, of putting out fires at work and sometimes at home, of my ConEd bills, of racing for the train -- of all of it. But I wouldn't trade it. Ok, that's a lie. I'd trade the fight for better math and transparency and I'd happily offload my property taxes on someone else. But I wouldn't trade the rest of it.

Here's why: Almost every night when I get home (before bedtime, at least three or four nights a week) my two children just wanna hang out on the couch with me, tell me about their days, get and give hugs and all that good stuff. My daughter usually squeals and demands a very long hug before I put anything down.

She sometimes grabs my face and pulls it into hers for a nose kiss. My son usually asks "What did you do today that was fun?"  It makes me stop and think and reminds me to do something fun at work so I have an answer (he spots b.s. a mile away). He used to ask what my favorite part of the day was -- but the answer was always the same, "Right now, being with you guys." For now, the dog still greets me, so happy her whole body wags. I forget that I am tired or hungry or that I had a rough day.

I get a lot of satisfaction from my work, from the things I am working hard on in my spare-time life. I can't figure out what of it to give up, so I don't. But that time between the moment I walk in the door and the moment the bedtime battle begins is why I don't mind being a little chubby, a lot clueless about popular television and concealer-less (for a limited time).

Besides, if I finally found time for makeup, can the gym be far behind?